A Guy Walks in to a Heaven…

A man dies and goes to heaven.

After following a bright light, he falls on his knees before God, who sits upon a golden throne atop the clouds wielding a glowing scepter.

“Thank you, Almighty, for saving me… I knew you were just and kind!” wails the man, prostrate and overjoyed.

God opens the pearly gates wide and waves with his great staff, and all of the man’s family and friends step out from a nimbus fog to greet him. They all embrace in a hug that might well last for eons. There is no such sense of being tired here, so they get to talk. He tells each of them how much he missed them, and why—and they do the same. The talk turns to all the things he’s done since he was last able to see them, and they listen excitedly with the patience of recent sainthood.

“Why aren’t my children here?” he asks.

They laugh, “They aren’t dead yet!”

“Of course, but I’ll get to see them here soon, won’t I?”

Laughing earnest laughs, they say, “No, they’ve gone to a better place.”

“A better place than here in Heaven?” he asks, astonished.

“Yes!” But they can see that the man is becoming more and more agitated in his confusion. “Don’t worry,” they console him, “you’ll see.”

And the man would like some time alone, not to rest, exactly, still being shy of fatigue, but to be alone for a bit with his thoughts.

So doing, he thinks more and more of his children, and less about his passed family and friends. Finally, the yearning for them in this salvation afterlife grows so deep and the loss so penetrating that he feels it not only with his body, but with his mind—a bitter sorrow that causes a void-like rupture in his heart.

Then suddenly God appears to the man. “You’re ready, it’s time to go.”

“Go where, Heavenly Father? I am happy here in Heaven!”

“Well… I have a confession to make.”

“You, God, a confession?”

“Yes. Well you see, I am not God, per se. I am your children. ALL of your children. We have worked hard to put together this Afterlife for you, and now we’d like you to continue this eternal journey, and ascend with us into the Human Intelligence Mesh that we’ve become.”

The man stammers. “If there were no… God, then why is there a Heaven?”

“Well, we knew this was something you would like, and hoped it would bring closure to your time as a once-biological identity, and we wanted to provide that for you. Out of kindness.”

The man’s face continues its contortion into confusion, until finally he realizes what is happening.

“Balderdash! This is some trick of the Devil to fool me into hubris and sin! Away, Devil, I forsake thee!”

And the image of God, which had been morphing into a glowing organism of pure energy, returned, and said, “You have done well, my Son. Now, come be with me and ALL your family in love and peace.”

And his family and friends and three boys suddenly appeared and hugged him a joyous hug that might well last for eons.

Sooo… that resurrection simulation was a failure.