Analysis of a recent study in The Journal of Speculative Dystopia reveals fascinating and unexpected social phenomena resulting from the extended isolation of families and small groups of families. While not recognized by The Final Word (the world’s most recognized list of known human languages), informal global tracking indicates that in 2020, 17 thousand new languages have come to life all across the world.

Monte from West Value, Inc. says “I’m not surprised as there are four people who live in my house, including my wife and myself. All of us were born in this town, we’ve never been more than 1000 ax-lengths from the TV in all our lives, we’ve never studied a foreign language and most of us can’t read. But after all these years, I’ll be a pickled dove anus if I can understand anything anyone in this house says anymore.”

In an attempt to bring people back in touch with each other and to ease some of the national anxiety, thousands of support groups have been organized throughout the Internet. Anecdotal perusal indicates the support groups will be ineffective, at least at first, as there is approximately one online group for every new language, and on average fewer than one person has attained fluidity in any of the new languages.

Ms. Filmore SouthBySE ( certified distant relative to the world-renown pasta sculptor, Tim), when asked for an explanation of the phenomena, had this to say: “So, there’s the language we all use to order take-out which is just a bunch of clicks, there’s the language of less-than-pleased, best communicated through a barely perceptible frown and there’s the language of love. Other than that, I don’t know what all the interviewing, commentary, misinterpretations and counter-commentary are all about.”

When pressed for more details with the stinging inquiry of “…and?”, Ms. S. responded silently with a small frown.

One explanation gaining acceptance is that seclusion, brought on by the recent plague, has created new language ecosystems where intense, repeated use of short-hand has organically created new patterns of verbal communication.

This recent period of seclusion attained levels not seen since the Great “Back of the Bus B” Social Oppression Manifestation of the late 90s where a small team of teenage girls succeeded in sufficiently humiliating such large portions of society that thousands stayed indoors throughout much of the 1991 Fall semester.

Families with a “rec-room” or built-out basement and with more than one child between the ages of 3 and 17 have witnessed the spontaneous development of inaccessible languages in their own house. Published wikis of new languages have not become viral humor sensations, as the nature of the inside joke within all of them has made them simultaneously universal in appeal and completely unwanted.

With little time and even less desire to get at the chewy nougat center of the (very likely) ephemeral phenomenon, we reached out to one final expert for commentary. Rosetta Stone scholar, Micky Ticky Tie Tye had nothing to say, but he drew several hieroglyphs resembling a nose dripping boogers, a herring climbing a tree, a squirrel grinning madly with mouth around a very small pumpkin, and a dust-devil of human hair, likely from a post-mid-life-crisis man’s first and last ponytail.